Fat = Ugly ?

me, yee jen and kate was about to go home after lunch and we saw this boutique in mile 4 with this really nice dress. as prom was coming up and we were not able to find any nice dresses yet. we decided to go in try something out. oh well, as we walked in, we browsed around. everything's practically in size 4? 3? and only stick insect like yee jen are able to fit in.so she picked some peach satin long dress and tried on, well, she looked pretty nice in that. but she decided to try on some others.
as me and kate , well, are not stick insect. and im really puffing up with the steriods and piling up pounds, so i kept aside an watched as yee jen tried out some flashy low cut dress.
then, yee jen took this black knee length dress and asked me to try it, it looks pretty nice, but probably a size too small. i was reluctant to try it as im wearing my uniform, so i kept saying no. and then, finally gave in, when yee jen practically shoved me in the dressing room, but as im about to shut the door and tried the bloody dress. the salegirl came over and said that i might as well not tried it as i am well, hah, too fat to fit in. gosh, im shocked to listen to that. i said nothing and walked out the store.
the salegirl is a total shithead to say a remark like that. i mean so what IF i really cant fit in that dress, but at least dont say it out loud that i neednt to try it on because i was too fat to wear it. i mean its really hurtful and i had tried very hard not to hate myself because of my figure already. i mean i dont mean to be fat too, its the damn treatment the doctors gave to treat my hyperthyroid condition, why do you want me to do now? stop eating the steriod. lithium and prozac or Whatever shit it is, and then died slowly ? i dont know.
i always tell myself not to bother by the media that fat is ugly and out and only thin is beautiful, but somehow when i finally blocked the idea out, i was always put down by someone. i had tried to starve myself already before, and i dont want to do it again because it's just a horrible experience, how many times you will like to have a tube stuck right into your throats 24/7, feeding you just because you are not able to swallow food without vomitting? i do not want to end up like that.
alright, i will stop about this fat issue, it just made me feel depressed than ever to just think of it. nobody wants to feel ugly.
did i tell you about shet yin birthday? sometimes im so envy of her. she always get liked by people and peolple always remember her when its her birthday. you should see the first period in my class today. the 5e's came to our class and ssang her a birthday song, bringing so much presents, and i mean, gosh, it does feels good to be remembered , isnt it? and of course, once again, i was the outsider, looking at them. oh... look, shet yin was in tears again.
"thank you, thank you, you remembered my birthday"
i think im jealous.
oh, yeah, stan messaged me today. i was so happy , i thought i almost knocked kate over, when i told her. it had been so long since he text me. i think i missed him a lot already. and of course he greeted me with the usual 'how had you been?' of course, i told him im fine, why bother him with all my worries?
he told me he had finished his mid term already. does that means that he will be having a holiday soon then? maybe he is coming back on august and we can go together to the installation night on 9th august. and then , i will really find a partner and i will really have a memorable night, with the dress, the song, the night, everything.
i logged on immediately i got home. but he wasnt on, so , i waited. and waited. and then, finally he IM me, he's on. but he seems a little odd. *shrugs*
he aint looking foward to talk to me i guess. he's pretty cold. and when i asked him, when he's really coming back. well, i was dissapointed. he's coming back at december. i will be proabably off in kl that time. sigh. but what if he really came back during august anyway? it doesnt mean he will attend the dumb prom with me either, i mean, look at me now. ugly, fat and with..damn it, hair loss? hah. who would want to date someone that hideous? maybe he wont even want to meet with me when he's back in town, he'll just think of me as a casual well.. casual chatter he met through net, and he had a perfect girlfriend and wouldnt give a damned to this sick, twisted girl.
oh well, what the hell? so what if he didnt like me? i dont care. i am used to rejection anyway. its not like im going to tell him that i like him anyway and plus, it doesnt mean much, those chatting sessions. just some, well, meaningless conversation.
oh god , good. now jacob's engaged, seph's happy with his life. yvonne's back with her malay friends. sue's pissed with me with no reason. i have no friends. fat, ugly - me. my physical state is a havoc. i have no partner for prom. does that mean my love life sucks too? and my health is a total failure. my life's falling apart. but, im still alright about it.
does that means lithium had done its trick already?
i dont feel like Dying inside me anymore.