No Hair Day

yeah, you read it right. no hair day.that is exactly what happened to me.at first it was only just few threads of them falling off, and then all of sudden, a clump of them i hold it in my hand.i asked dr.majitol about his shitty medication, and of course that is what he will say, "dear, that is just the side effects; eventually you will recover."
oh fuck, he and his pills. his only joy is not to see me getting well, but only just to see me pack with pink and blue little pills and me walking like a everlasting pharmacy.i just simply cannot believe what was happening to me now. first, its the swelling, now the hair. what the hell is happening to me now? i felt like i actually was having cancer , like i'd just done round of chemeotherapy and discover what we called science technologies had done to myself.
i know my blood concentration level had raises again, in fact, in a very alarming rate. if only i, myself know what is happening to my own body, i had enough of syringe poking through my skin and drops of natrium or whatever kind of liquid is actually dripping right into my vein, my bloodstream, with every drip of this fucking shit flowing in my body.
i couldnt understand,that this .. this, malfunction of my own blood was actually caused by own body, without any warning, and just 'wham-!', your tsh level raise, your hair drop off, even your kidney seems not to do their work anymore.
i felt like i was the ugliest person in the world, all swelled and...losing hair. this could never happen to me, i wake up every morning, wishing that this is just one nightmare, and i will snap out of it.
i wanted to tell someone how horrible it is, the fear..of losing my own life, suffocating me,just like someone cover you with the pillow, drowning your screams, you struggle and gasp for breath,first so hard..then gradually you grew weaker and weaker, and finally you stopped. and the dark had took over you.
i tried to tell sue, but she seems to be in not much help.presuembly she told me death of my own is what i'd want for so long, but now, why should i be afraid of it? maybe i do love life anyway.
i tried to avoid their vision,especially when they're talking to you, because they're always at first looking at your eyes and then wonder to my hand and then to my wrist, which they saw two big dumb syringe stuck on it. i wanted to yank that dumb thing off, but i cant.i dont want to get poke another hold with this sterilized steel in any part of my body anymore.
often, i walked alone on the aisle of the stark white walls. i had known my way so well in this cold building that i can walk with both my eyes closed. my heart told me that why am i doing in here..so young? its so unfair. i should've been hanging with my friends at the mall doing what a girl my age is doing.
but, my mind tell me that, there's nothing fair in this world. i guess i should just accept this. i tried not to trouble them with what i'd think, no used with that, i should be just glad and smile because i am actually able to recieve therapies or what-so-ever. but somehow, i felt myself as a hyprocrite behind my smile. i do not see myself to deserve to be like this.
a whirlwind of needles, pills, termometer, and white passed in my mind, i sat. and i felt so useless because i cant do anything to help my ownself. i could only sit and wait for the time to pass by, and only time could only tell me what will happen to me at last.
i can actually picture my own death now. lying on the artificially white bed, with needles and tubes.
my own funeral that i planned for myself that i used to replay so many times in my mind...somehow seems not so faraway now.
i dont even have to kill myself this time.
or maybe i cant even die.
i will just stay in a thin line of life. and suffers on.