you hurt me with your barehands

sue hurt me. she says i am a pathetic loser. she says i am going nowhere in my life.
and yet, i do not know what had i done or say to trigger her to say this.


i went to the library. i picked up a self help book which i had resent and detest all my life.
and surprisingly, i feel better after reading it.

i stood outside the shop. i had not made up my mind to shave my head yet. i stand there for an hour. trying to push myself going to the barber.
yet, i didn't. i decided not to take my pills instead.

i called yvonne. she's not home.
i called seph. he's in a middle of a class.
i called sue. she said that im an asshole.
and then i called kate,
she picked me up. and we went to hospital together.

i got my med report.
it seems like i need to do blood transfusion.
im afraid.

i cried. kate sat beside me. and i cried more.
this is all so unfair.

stinging tears hurt my eyes. but, i felt better after a good cry.
i decided to be accept anything that had happened to me.
i didnt talk a word to kate. she seems to understand.
i smiled and tried to threw all my worries behind.

i went home. my parents were back from the road trip.
they didnt know about my medical report.
they asked why didnt i cook lunch. i just shut myself in the bathroom.
i cried more when i washed my hair.
then, i stopped. i can get over with this.
i am still good even i have no hair.

i stepped outside the bathroom. mom asked my about my hair.
she asked did i layered my hair. it seems to be much more thinner now.
my tears welled. but i didnt tell her a thing.

he text me.
i cant help by smile.then i stopped.
what am i to him? after all we are strangers?
we never meet. i told him im fine.

i shut my mind.
i tried to concentrate on something else.
i turned on the tube and watch vcds.
4 movies in a row i watched at one go.
until 2 in the morning the next day.

i finished watching the movies.
and im pretty blank now.
i cant even type proper sentence.
so here now, i jotted some broken words.

maybe i should sleep.