Fly me to the moon

kinda dizzy, right now. its a wonder that i can still type straight. and even finished completing a graph. im not too bad , eh? drank pretty much of cognac and red wine with fennie tonight. she was talking about her boyfriend while i was whimperring about sue not talking or should i say ignoring me the whole time tonight when we are having gathering dinner? i still couldnt make up what was my problem? and what did i do wrong at first to make her so angry with me? the words still fresh in my mind, " you are hopeless, pear. YOU are HOPELESS."
am i really that hopeless? like forgetting to bring her the CD i borrowed from her, or the shoes from her, or my bangs getting into my eyes? or that i cant seem to be quit being pathetic? or cant stop getting bad grades for mathematics? whatever it is. maybe i am hopeless to be sick. i shouldnt be sick, because i am only sixteen. i should be full of energy and never a slacker and enthuastic about anythign at all. and not like this, depressed, moody and well, just whine about anything at all. weather too hot, or the air con too chilly. i dont know.
oh, yeah, about fennie. felt sorry for her really. she never is a pair with weng. i mean the difference between is too big. well, weng is the straight kinda guy. honest, very honest, and well, i dont know, he's just a mr nice guy. never bullying a kid, never say no to his parents or anyone elder than him. well, you know, the model kinda person without any flaw in his attidude. except , well, for being a bored ass and too polite.
and for fennie, well she's NORMAL. at least she went pub, drink, took an occasinally fag, oh well, at least she live life. unlike ... oh well, her boyfriend. i just wondered how can they even walk together, because they are simply people from two different kind of world. and they'd been together for two years, imagine it. how could she put up with him and vice versa? maybe he doesnt even know how to fuck, i dont know.
and now, weng said he want to get married with.. fennie? gosh, that is just so absurd. i know they are in their early thirties - the very desperate age to be attached by now. but there's no reason to rush, and just to get married because of the elderly ask them too, because marriage is something.. very important. need a lot of understanding, tolerance and well, commitment. Marriage...well, i may not exactly believe in it. but i believe that, its not something that you can just mess with , with just simply with a ' i do' and then you said you want to get a divorce the next day. i mean, what is happening to the world now? is marriage something you can, well, simply play with?
fennie really doubted. i mean she told me, if he is a bored arse right now, what will happen if they get married? will they able to stand seeing each other the every morning, staring at his face? maybe it is too much to bear.
sigh, i dont know what to say. because i am not her, i cant really know what is her feelings for her. this is all for her to sort it out. and of course, i dont exactly agree in her getting into marriage at this time. i mean why compromise when she is not even ready? huh? she can plant more dreams, save more money, instead of thinking of How many kids she want to have. oh well, its just not the right time for her to settle down. furthermore, they seemed like a pretty rocky couple to me. one minute, they are alright. and the next, they're reaady to kill each other. oh well. ya get it.
oh, well, i dont know. we both were like insane and kept drinking at cognac until we're talking incoherantly, laughing franticaly if not waving our hands like mad man, and then being scold by my aunt. saying that i was humiliating myself in front of everyone else. well, WHAT THE FUCK DO I CARE? i am already a screwed up shit head.
and oh, fennie asked me how do i feel when i wanted to take my own life? im pretty shocked. no one really dare to ask me this. or should i say, no one ever asked me before. maybe they think that this is something that they dont feel comfortable to discuss with. or maybe they are not ready to listen what the other will tell them or how to react with them when they finally tell. well, i could only say,i was pretty stunned.maybe that is what cognac done to her. and i said,with some drawl. you gotta swallowed that whole load of pills, and pressed the fucking blade really hard at your wrist. well, i dont know,and i just start off. with some well, tales to yearn.
....... you just feel like a daze, and you dont know what you are doing at all. then, when you felt nausea and see your blood flowing everywhere, you might get panicked. and then, you just vomit everything out. and then your OD-ing done nothing good at all. or and when you bleed alot, you will feel really sleepy, and then just dozed off. and find yourself at hospital with the nurse beside you, scolding that you're such an ass hole to take your own life. and that you dont deserve to live at all, because you are an idiot that dont love life, and she will jabbed you really hard at the syringe, that you hurt so much, you cant move your hand at all. and then, you will curse yourself for not cutting more veins instead of your wrist, or that you didnt held your breath hard enough not to vomit the pills out, well, but deeply inside of you, you felt like maybe you dont want to die at all. because you are still wondering will your boyfriend called you? or maybe you are still thinking about some listlessly things that have no meaning such as the next episode of Alias made you feel like maybe you shouldnt die at all.and start wondering, and before you manage to figure anything at all.you will already end up in psychiatrist ward with people that are afraid of pillows that is gonna eat him at night and screamed the whole night off making everyone sat still with every shrilling sound he made. and when you are trying hard to find a blade or anything sharp to relieve your pain in the ward. and of this madman situation. you cant, because they tied your hands at the bed post. feeling very frustrated. and hands chafed with all the twisting and pulling. And feelings hurt without anyone to visit you, because you realized just then you are not loved at all. then your psychiatrist came, and checked the wounds you made during the 'cutting session', and coment, " you are lucky enough not to leave any scars at your forehand, you heal very fast. but there's one need stitches" and then there he goes about loving your life and theres many to live for, without looking at you. but looking at his wristwatch instead. He's afraid of spening even one more extra seconds for you out of his duty. Then for WEEKS you suffered there, until you eat and sleep finally, and even if you dont and cant, they will make you. And make you a blank girl that take orangey pills like Melarium and Valium. that made u a walkinng zombie.
i dont know how long had i rambled about failed suicide attempts to fennie, and i felt so sick saying this . i felt very stupid because i cant even kill myself right. which seems like a very stupid thing. and its not like only once. its just embrassing. maybe dr majitol is even right. i dont want to DIE. but sometimes i do feel so hollow inside i want to die. i DONT KNOW. i dont even know whenther i wnat to Live.
well, as i was talking..rapidly, continuosly and incoherantly, i finally passed up. too much alcohol i reckoned, together with fennie. and i woke up only at 1 in the morning,and then, well, and got home. with headsplitting headache, multi tasking between talking to kate, plotting a graph and finallly printing everything i typed early this morning.
hungover but still productive. you see, i am not hopeless at all.
and ya know, maybe Hope is something to do with my dreams. but often, i want to Dream no more. because, i normally cant achieve what i dreamed. sigh. and i dont like to get Dissapointed. because that feeling make me depressed. cried more. get swollen eyes. and then, i felt like i cant live anymoree. and then, i cant kill myself right again.
And... for now,
maybe i do need some serious sleep right now.
cause i cant type anymore.
I am T i r e d.