Obsessions

It's been a week since i blogged on. So many things had happened, i dont know what else to do , but think about it, unable to do anything more. Kate told me that she saw Stan in our school, of course, i can't believe it, because he is in Vancouver not Sandakan,and plus, she had never saw stan before except the picture i sent to her. she must had recognized the wrong one. so i just put it aside. but, when i thought about it, its true that Stan had never logged on the net anymore. and i hadnt recieved his text message, for how long, i cant remember anymore. it seems that he had forgotten all about me already. and i hated the fact that he had not bother to text me. because it could only be that im nothing important to him. Often , i looked at my cellphone, hesitating. i dont know whenther i should ring him up or not, what should i say? and what should i ask? after all, we had nothing between us. it's me, that had a crush on him. he had the right not to tell me anything, and will be just fine if i didint meant anything to him. it's even right if he wanted to hate me. because im just a 16 year old high school chick bothering him with love-sick twisted poems. but i wish that things will not turn out bad, because, i do like him. I do. I even got paranoid everytime now when, i saw someone resembles him. Once, yesterday, when my car was passing by mile 4, i thought i saw him. i went mad. i got down from the car, and i walked back to the place where i thought that was him was standing, but, ended up. that person had gone to nowhere already. and i'd gone so frustrated, i cried right there. in the same time, i felt like a fool to make Stan my obsession. i felt like i wanted to knock my head to the wall, and asked myself what had gotten to me, to be so crazed for just a guy ? And a guy so faraway?
And then Kate blew up that she didnt want to go to the prom anymore, because there's no place for her in one table joining us. I felt so.. dissapointed. because theres no way im going there myself without her, who can i count on? where yee jen and yvonne, even michelle and corena is not going there? i'd already given up to perform , because i wanted to be with them. so that i can enjoy a memorable prom. with or without a partner. i was pretty crunched. i even thought of what shall i wear already. but i kept quiet, why made her feel bad, when she had already feel bad enough because we cant include her in a table? i know that feeling, because without including somone, it feels as if, you are not appreciated much as a friend. But then, somehow, i was told that we had finally find a table enough to include all of us. i felt like smiling a bit even though i was still upset with stan. i dont know what am i upset at about him. but im just depresssed whenever i thought of him. maybe i really had fall for him already.
i won two tickets to Sarawak. i knew it just yesterday. i won it through a lucky draw from our town's lucky draw. whoever bought grocerries worth rm30 and above get to fill a form and then you get a chance to win. and i cant belive i was so lucky that i was picked. because in that whole big box, i had only filled in one form. Two tickets to Dublin and two tickets to Sarawak. and i had given all of them to my parents. perhaps they will give me more attention now, when i had given the best for them. The trip to Sarawak even provided accodomation. sigh, or maybe i gave them the tickets so that i can get rid both of them frome being at home. and me myself, quietly in my room, to do whatever i wanted. and no one to give me a preach because coming home late because of tuition or blood test. but, i still cant help thinking of my 'lucky' charm these days. i won rm50 worth of prepaid credit in a lucky draw, and then trip to sarawak, then, 200 cash from the sandakan fest. contest, trip to dublin, and what else? these 'luck-iness' is giving me the creeps because i believed, when one part of your life is getting better, the other part of your life will end up a disaster. and i had believed that some of the disaster had begun, just like my obsession to stan, and my drastically fallen grades. can you believe that i got a B for my english paper? it is the first ever time to get a "B", i thought i wanted to faint. but then, my additional maths is getting a bit improvement. i get to win yee jen over this time. and i guess she wasnt too happy for it for she sulked. sigh.
today, we had a short speech about TB sickness for the disease rate is the highes in our town, and the hospital had organized us a talk to bring us awareness. as they were droning, i sat beside ann ying. she looked at my scars on my forearm, and she started to tell me about her cutting issue and her sickness, asthma, anemia and everything. it was in a sudden that i felt that, i can understand her. because, i too, suffer from sickness too. and i cut myself the same. i looked at her scars and she looked at mine. because she was much more fairer than me, i saw her scars more deeper than mine. finally, someone that understand the release of cutting themselves. deep in my heart, i felt glad. i am not the only freak. i even told her that one time when i cut myself on the hip too deep, and it cant stop bleeding, i had to ask my mom to fetch me to the hospital so that i can get stitches and that is when prozac and lithium and counselling sessions came without stop since then. but i didnt tell her about my attempts of suicide. it seems foolish... and so i hesitate. i hesitate to tell her about my imbalance hormonnes. so ijust listened when she talked about the times she spends in hospital. and i can understand totally what she gone through. like what i said. she reminds me ..of me.
then, when the talk ends. and i had gone back to class. my mind drifted. and i took out my blade to cut myself, i guess i scared yee jen. she asked me to stop, but i dont know. i cut myself more to make her more anxious. i dont know what had gotten to me, maybe i wanted her attention. or should i say anyone's attention? so i guess she get pissed for torturing myself, and she kept quiet. i think i had really done it this time, because even corena noticed that i was depressed today, and she asked me what was wrong wtith me? i felt good when she expressed her concern but i told her nothing instead.
when school ends, i went for lunch, and got my caffeine cravings, but decided not to ask for one. because i had drank 2 full pot of black coffee, i think i went dizzy because of too much caffeine. and then when i went straight home, i drank the complete pot of coffee, and yes, getting another coffee hangover again.
and i was still depressed because of Stan. so i popped some prozac. maybe waiting to drift into sleep, and the wake up , and go for another blood test.

oh, by the way, i had fall in love with gabrielle's song. out of reach. it just reminds me of myself. and . stan.

"Out Of Reach"

Knew the signs
Wasn't right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

Catch myself
From despair
I could drown
If I stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be OK

But I was
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

So much hurt,
So much pain
Takes a while
To regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that in time,
You'll be out of my mind
And I'll be over you

But now I'm
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach,
So far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

Out of reach,
So far
You never gave your heart
In my reach, I can see
There's a life out there
For me

well, thats all i can write for now. my brain seems not functioning anymore.