Paint It Black

well..... STAN text me!!! is that a thing that i should celebrate ? huh? huh? but somehow the way he talked to me, i felt oppressed. i dont know. i just felt like i should hate him. but i cant. you know that kinda feeling? that you shouldnt had like him but then you cant help it, and had liked him, and he had done something that made you should hate him, but you just cant simply bring yourself hating him? get it?if you cant,youre a LOSER. well , thats the way i feel. well, when he text me, i even sms kate to tell her that, i think she must be thought that im going boy-crazed at this moment is well, totally insane. how many times she sees me go gaga on a guy? like none. i dont even get to such over limit when im with my ex boyfriend.
anyway, once again, kate said she doesnt want to go to the prom. im sick of their on and off mind about going to their prom, and i was like... depressed when they said they're not going then, happy again when they said they're going, and then , sad again when they said they are not. you know it feels as if they're toying with my feelings even though girlfreinds dont "toy' your feelings. sigh, just forget it, i know i will end up not going to the prom by now. no way no how. if there's still one month to go, and they said its too late to look for clothes, i iwll think that as ridiculuous. and if they are able to find such absurd reason as not going to the prom, then what else can i say to presuade them in going to the prom? none right? sigh, just forget it. because im not going alone and winding up sititing with a table of creeps.
well, i just done my poem....... and my essay. both for contests. i know i should be feeling accomplished by now, but i cant. instead im worrying about my add maths practices and the fucking project thats due on monday. and to top it, i've got a biology test on friday. questioning about hipotalamus which i dont give a fuck about. why learn about your brain parts when u know that you are not going to , well, make use in your future or something. except you want to be a neurosurgeon.oh well, im just really really STRESSED. i think i want to pull hairs out of my head. or at least stuck some needles so that i can feel my blood flowing better. or at least let me take a fag? but i cant. because im so damned tired, and my eyes seems kinda overworked. and i need my sleep because i had as well pushing toothpick in between my eyelids to stop my sleeping pills from working. in other words. i am VERY SLEEPY
i cut my hand. i was figuring some points for the essay. and the i played with the blade. it was really, i dont know, some kind of relievement for me. i hdant feel so good in days.... Weeks. maybe i should do this more often again, but i cant. because i dont want to, but i do want to feel good by cutting myself. arrrrrrrgh, what a miserable paradox.
and im hungry now. i hadnt eat dinner. i think that time i was still busy with my poems. bloody shitty thingy, if i cant a prize for it , i wont forgive myself. but if i do, you will see me on tv. ah, five minutes of fame and then what?
oh, yeah, i missed Jeff. i hadnt heard from him, or see him in the streets ever again.why does everyone that i felt comfortable with, always have to leave me... suddenly. without any signs? just like yvonne...we drift. just like seph... distance cause the heart grew further apart. and stan...well. him, i dont know . I HATE HIM. I HATE HIM. IHATEHIM.aaaaaarghhhhhhh~~i just wanted to block everything out now. no homeworks, no spm, no stan, no prom, no parents, no tsh imbalance, no NOTHING. i wanted to paint everything black, so theres no colours anymore. and maybe then, i will live in the dark and enjoyed it too. because there will be nothing for me to think of so much of.and nothing for me to see. and nothing for me to judge and also that people not able to judge me.well, in short, maybe i need OUT. NOW.