Falling out of myself

Excuse me but can I be you for a while, I wanted to be someone else because I can't stand being myself anymore. Doped forever with legal drugs, i wish i can find a way out. Been shut up by her so many years, fingers pointing at me for whatever I do. Again I am in my teenage life criscis, unable to pull myself out alone. Often trying to look into others to help me, but in vain. Nobody else cares anymore, when they have their own problems as well. Sinking deeply into my dark world, I am struggling to stay sane. You said you will be there for me, but all I know is I am dealing all this without anyone by my side. What does it mean by calling me a freak when i told you what I going onto my life? I thought you will accept as I am, just like how i accept you. I thought you will know how vulnerable when you first step into a new enviroment, a new school. But then, you said I'm naive and weak. You said, we are in the best years of our life. We have no worries. I felt as if I recieved a blow from you when you said you don;t believe a thing I'd said. It took a lot of courage for me to pour out my own problems to you, thinking that you will go through or at least give me a hug or two. Instead you left me more down that I had been.What else can I rely you onto when you had never believe in what I have to say? I felt as if I had never should befriend with you.But you said you need me. You said you don't have friends. And you want to know why? When your best friend dont trust in you, and my family dont even care anymore. I dont know who else should I turn into. My parents didnt even flinched when they saw my wounds. That's alright if they dont' care. But what it hurts the most was when they said " We Dont need you to seek attention such this from us. We won't care."
I was not seeking for any attention. I dont even want you to see it. I want you to see me as bright and something to be proud of. Why do you have to treat me like dirt? I had tried everything. Why still treat me as if I am something that will embrass you?
I have so many questions i want to know the answers. I wondered what's my problem. i just want to be loved. As simple as that. Is that so hard?
Why does it's always people that you cared , hurts you the most? It's always what they said and did makes you want to stab yourself so many times, so that you can see you are bleeding just like your inside.
Maybe the feelings that im having will go away eventually, but i never think that it will heal completely. Because forgive doesn't mean forget.
I used to believe there's still a God up there, looking down on me. That He will be the one saving me from drowning when everything's going deeper and deeper. But, I was so wrong in believing his existence. It was a mistake to have faith in Him. Just like me having faith on you.
Maybe I should let all my precious things away. Let them break, let them bleed, let them washaway. Why should i care?

But I do care. And that's the problem. I tends to cling on something matters to me. And when they left me, i felt as I am falling into a hole that has no end.
And when i tried to put the hole and all the pain into an end?
I resolved into my legal drugs. Again.