im insane whats your excuse?

im putting on sarah mclachlan's angel in repeat mode.
everytime i listen to that song, it makes my whole body shake. it just makes me feel as if i was swaying slowly away from everything.
i can turn off all the lights, hug myself in the corner... and just forget.
but i cant. this has been on my mind for ages.
i thought i was a invidualistic. but the truth is, im not. i tend to live on others' expectations. i want to please people. and that explains why do i care so much about my apperance, my weight. i want others to ACCEPT me. therefore, i made changes to adapt and adjust myself into their mould. their definition of being 'cool'.
i noticed that i had wrote almost 4 of my blog entries on my weight how depressed i am because of it. im such a shallow, shallow person. i feel ashamed of myself. shouldnt i be thinking something more than myself? but i cant. i am a selfish fuckwit. and i am not happy because i dont like the way i look.
this is so stupid. i should be grateful for what i have got. i keep repeating this to myself. 'love yourself who you are . love yourself who you are.' BUT? i cant. i feel like banging my head on the wall, just to wake myself up from these inane problems.
i remember the first day i came home from nz, my family told me i had changed. but not in a good way, in fact in a way worst way. i am not meeting their expectations after experienced a different lifestyle for a year in a different country. i should be more civilized because kiwis are polite. so is that actually a problem to treat my family in a friendly way rather than saying 'please' in every sentence?
in fact, my folks told me. im a fat ass biatch. ungrateful and unhelpful.
i dont get it. i really dont get it? yes, i am fat.
im eating potatoes and chips everyday in auckland. who is to blame? my homestay ma? or myself because lack of self control? is that actually a problem? do they actually expect me to turn into a stick thin insect ? so that im consider beautiful? i just cant believe instead of them trying to tell me i should be happy of who i am, they just scorned at me.
and what about ungrateful? whats with that? what in the hell that i did make them thought that im a brat that does not learn to appreciate? they told me i shouldnt bring them any gifts home. i can just gaped in disbelief. they CALLED to ask me to bring some presents home, and now they go on and on because i spent money on those souveniors. i have no idea what to say anymore. they said i had spent more than i should and theres no use bring those presents home because it doesnt matter. 'you should not bring home those junks. you are not even earning your own money yet."
i was speechless. all these presents. all these gifts. i just want them to know that i was thinking of them, if not, WHY BOTHER? why go to all these shops looking for the best, suitable gifts for them? why? its just because i want them to know that i love them. i care. im thinking of them. and im GRATEFUL for their love and the gifts are just my kind thoughts for them. now they are having a row because of money?
sighs. i really dont know what to do anymore.
and im UPSET because i am a people pleaser. i have no life of my own. i want to make everyone happy. i agree on everyone's opinion. and i have absolute no idea of my own. ha. yep, above just describe me in the most accurate way.
i hate myself for being too nice. i can never say no. since when i had changed into a person like that? i admire those that have the courage to be themselves because i cant. anymore. i dont like being hated because of something you think you're right. just because you voice what you think is true. i want LOVE.
i feel like breaking down once and for all. really loosen it all. throw all the piles and the burden away. just let go. and cry my heart out. everything. but sometimes, you are just not allow to. im always on the border of letting go and suppresing. you are making that decision to: let go. suppress. let go. suppress. let go. supress.
and the answer is always supress. you want people to see you as the approachable, bubbly girl that smiles at everyone. you dont want them to see you down.
i remembered once when i was doing a petition for unicef. it was for the war between the states and iraq. i want them to STOP. i cant do much. so i ask for a sign petition. i collect signatures and hope that put a halt for the war. and?
people question me. they thought that was a waste of energy, time and money. no matter how many signs you got, and how much efforts you had put in. you will never succed. after all, the morning paper had its headlines. " THE WAR MUST GO ON"
but i did not want to give up. i dont want them to see me Down. i have hopes. i could not understand why do the leaders of a country will want to see their people suffer? what for? for the anger? revenge? pride? will the people involved just put all of these aside, and realise the consequences this war will cause?
i asked this woman to sign when i was doing the sign petition. she refused.
she said to me: " what do you think you are doing? saving the world? you are just a kid. go home and study. you make no difference in this war. its between two countries. a billions of those signs will not stop it."
i feel like shaking her and just scream to her face to make her understand, to make her see. if this is what everyone think, i wonder what will become of our world? everyone so pessimistic without any faith?
but i didnt. i just smiled and walked away. i refused to waste my energy on her. i will not let her burst my dream.
i worked hard. i collected thousands of these signatures. but the war didnt stop. blood was spill and people died. everyone lost more than just their home, their love ones, their property. they lost a part of their soul because of the vengeance between two.
my brother went to taiwan as a volunteer worker last week. i wanted to. but i cant. i cant afford a plane ticket. he went to volunteer for the hospital in Taipei. he told me that he wanted people to know the most important thing is Hope. he wish that his existence so small can somehow alter just maybe a little atmosphere of the hospital. maybe he can make someone happy because of his kind spirit. i know he can because he is special.
you know. sometimes i just wish someone can sweep me away from all these sorrows. all these troubles. i used to dream of a dark, charming young man that can bring me to a fantasy world and we live happily ever after. but i dont need any prince charming no more. i dont care whenther he has a pot-belly, he doesn't ride a horse or make zillions of money. i just want someone that makes me happy and loves me for who i am.
let me tell you a secret.
sometimes i do imagine me in a wedding. white gown, black tuxedo, daisies bouquet, happy songs, happy people. i will never admit i get soft in sappy, romatic movies but i do. i am a closet romantic after all.
and you know what? in my wedding dream, i am imagining myself marrying Him. ohmygod. lol. this is so unreal. i cant believe it. perhaps things between me and him will change by next year when im in auckland.
just maybe.
this entry has been a long one. *sastify*